Loved & Found - Your Favourite GFFA Dating Show!
by MsLanna
Summary: I am not even aiming for a plot this time but simply go for a silly dating show skit. If only Vau shared my humour. Or any of my guests, really.
1. Loved & Found I -Walon Vau

How I got Myself Killed By Walon Vau

Let me say, first and foremost, that it was no planned. The idea was a very different one, maybe the fact that it involved romance, heart-shaped items and a lot of women should have warned me. But it didn't.

Look at it from this perspective: In Traviss' books, each and every guy, well almost, gets a girl to marry. Even Skirata the Old gets one. Not to mention that his adopted sons get married off by the second.

Sooo~ seeing how everybody went of happily married but Vau, I decided to help him there a bit. I mean, the man has to have fangirls. Just look at him. No, not at the strill. Your nose might be instantly overwhelmed by the smell of slobbering strill, but do try to ignore that. Look at Vau. Because: I proudly present, Walon Vau, guest of honour on the next scheduled airings of _Loved and Found_, your favourite dating show on the holonet!

As an introduction, have a short documentation of how we won this veritable gentlemen for our little show:

"No."

"Oh, come on."

"I said no."

"It will be fun."

"Only if I can kill the host and candidates," Vau growled.

"You are not helping." And he really was not. It had taken a company to bathe and brush Mird. Vau had been more cooperating, mostly because I threatened him to help myself. I tend to have that kind of effect.

He looked pretty good, all clean and shaved and armoured up except for the helmet. We cater to fans, and fangirls love a man in armour, but they also like to see his face.

"There are only three of them today," I assured him. "If none is to your liking, we simply schedule a repeat. Applications are open until you find the woman of your dreams."

"What tells you, I dream of women?"

Oh. Well, now. I really had not considered that option. "We can always revise the concept and invite men for the next -"

"No."

What did that man want? Really? I was close to being exasperated, but I could not show, of course. "Okay," so we will proceed with today's show as scheduled."

There is something to be said for handlers the size of incredible Hulks. They managed to usher Vau away without much resistance. This would be a great show. I was really looking forward to it.

* * *

"A few words about today's bachelor," I began grinning happily. "Walon Vau, though nearing his sixtieth birthday is as tough as ever. Working free-lance in the dangerous job of bounty hunter and mercenary he brings some of the glamour back to the profession."

It was very well that looks couldn't kill. Otherwise, I'd have been a very dead moderator suddenly. "Unlike other diamonds in the rough of that trade, Vau comes from noble ancestry and might in the coming year inherit the title of Count of Gesl."

A ripple went through the audience. It also went through Vau who actually tried to get up and throttle me. Psh, he really should be more proud of his roots. Manners and education go miles with most women. Seeing how security had him seated again I decided I could go on safely.

"So let me introduce the candidates. Number One, Janine, is selling weapons on the wonderful planet of Corellia. This forty-five year-old gem knows everything from your common blaster to the highly valuable verpines.

"Candidate Number Two teaches martial arts to the inhabitants of Coruscant. A bit of hard contact sure won't scare away thirty-nine year-old Sorora. And last, but not least, Number three. From the beautiful planet of Naboo, fifty-three year-old Emberlaine can cook anything the heart - or should I say stomach? - desires. The perfect home-maker and haven to rely on."

The close-ups on the faces of the women turned out wonderful. Unfortunately, Vau ruined the whole effect by making faces when the cams zoomed in on him. Not very complimentary faces, if I have to add. Not that it would stop me.

"The first question, ladies. Do you like strills?"

There was a small pause in which the women could sort their thoughts and the cam took a close-up of Mird. However the animal had managed to get all slobbery again. A really amazing species.

"Well, Jenina began, "strills are hunting animals. They would be extremely useful on a cosy hunting trip. And you'd always have a guard outside while differently occupied."

Ah well. It might have been better if she would have allowed the strill inside. Vau did not look convinced.

"Strills are nasty fighters," Sorora said. "As such they are perfect subjects to train against the attack to trained dogs and wild animals."

Not the best answer ever, either. Maybe Emberlaine could save the day.

"I have no idea what a strill is," she admitted, not saving the day. "But if it comes with Walon, it is sure welcome in my house." Or maybe she did.

Vau's face was unreadable. My interpretation was, that he tried to ignore everything going on as best as he could.

"At least none of them said in puff pastry with hot sauce," I tried to cheer him up. The joke was totally lost on Vau who looked murderous immediately. "I am just joking." He was not appeased the least so I decided to move on to the next question immediately.

"With which unique quality will you convince Walon that you are the perfect match for him?"

That was one of my favourite questions. I encouraged candidates to use it again and again.

"I like weapons and guns a lot," Janine said. "My expertise in this field creates a common ground for us to start from. And I can take good care of his gun, too."

Oh. My. But it was this kind of show. I had been asking for it, hadn't I?

"As a martial arts trainer I am fit enough to keep up with a professional mercenary." Sorona explained confidently. "There will be a lot of interesting 'sparring' sessions which will surely convince him of my amenities."

It was amazing how she could speak inverted commas. I hadn't know that was possible. Images of sparring sessions started to form in my mind and none was very entertaining.

"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach. As skilled cook I know all the short cuts," Emberlaine saved me.

So much for the girls. None of it seemed to impress Vau any. I had opted for keeping my mouth shut. It seemed to work admirably, too. This was starting to go really well.

"Stay tuned for the second part of _Loved and Found _when the Ladies get their last chance at winning Vau's heart and he will make one of the toughest decisions in his life!" A bout of canned applause followed and we were off sync.

"You did fine, Vau," I assured the restrainedly livid man immediately. "So, how do you feel about the candidates?"

"Indifferent."

"Oh, come on! There has to be one woman that elicits an emotional reaction in you for sure."

He shot me a hard look. "Yes. Actually, you do. You annoy me without end."

"I am not up for discussion, Vau." Not to mention that I was not - repeat _not_ - annoying. "I am just the host. Cheer up!"

"I might if I got to shoot you." It was as well that he was not allowed to carry his blaster because his hand was sure hovering over its intended position ready to draw.

"Not going to happen," I replied. "I am needed to host the sequel shows."

"Sequels."

"Yes. You don't have to chose one of the candidates, Vau. Nobody can force you to. Just reject them all and we'll get a new selection."

"For somebody else."

"There is nobody else."

"Niner."

"He sure is reserved for Jilka. Kal goes off with Ny, Bardan with Arla and Mij grabs Uthan."

He thought for a moment. "Darman, then."

So he was not willing to have his own squad put through this. Interesting.

"Not a chance. He's a widower," I explained. "You don't do things like this to a widower, that is bad manners."

"Is it now," the growling was back. "Tell you what," he added after a moment of silence. "I found the perfect way to end this farce."

He even smiled. Finally accepting that this was good for him. Perfect. "Wonderful!"

"Indeed." He took one of my hands. "Repeat this: _Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde."_

Erm, now - what? This was most unexpected. A friendly blaster appeared out of nowhere in his hand pointing at my face to hasten my decision. Security sure had seen better days.

"Repeat, I said."

"Uh, okay?" I cleared my throat. "_Mhi solus tome, mhi solus dar'tome, mhi me'dinui an, mhi ba'juri verde." _

"Very nice," the smile on his face looked frighteningly satisfied. And then he raised the blaster between my eyes and pulled the trigger. "Nobody bothers the widower."

Ah, well. A truly inspired way out of the dating show disaster. I really wished I could stay and see what happens next, but my white light at the end of the tunnel has just arrived. Well, should I get an afterlife in the manda, I will surely take the time to prepare a nasty surprise for Mr. Vau. He deserves it.


	2. Loved & Found II - Delta Squad

Loved and Found II

"Welcome back to Loved & Found, dear Ladies and Gentlemen. On popular demand your favourite host has been cloned to once again bring love and happiness to the galaxy's esteemed bachelors. A little legal backlash had to be dealt with, but all that is now past and I am happy to announce that any marriages with my former incarnation are void. Still, an action has been filed against Mr. Vau that he mustn't get any closer to me than a hundred meters to avoid further incidents."

I liked to avoid incidents. Avoiding incidents would be my hobby from now to eternity. Especially if incidents were named Walon or Vau, or, Force save me, both.

"Now, on with the show!" At least my smile is still what it was one incarnation before. Winning! "Let me introduce today's candidates. Behind the screen, please welcome with me Boss, Fixer and Scorch! Veritable warriors, veterans of war, very special forces of the Empire, Commandos without equal, the deluxe models of the deluxe line!"

Deluxe models I was quite happy to stay away from. It was a little difficult to indicate who is who from this distance, but at least I would get through the introductions with all my limbs still attached to the correct places of my body.

"As leader of the squad, Boss always has an eye out for his men. There is a lot more going on behind that pretty face than he lest on, but be not fooled by his reticent. Like all clones, he has been bred with a good heart, if buried under several levels of armour. It will be quite an exciting excavation, I am sure."

I took a step to the side, watching the camera angle shift.

"On the middle seat, please welcome Fixer. Apart from being a first rate second in command. If there is a man you can rely on, he is it. He also has a talent with electronics that will amaze the most seasoned slicer. Whit this intimate knowledge of how things work, who know how soon he will have you worked out?

"And last, but certainly not least, welcome Scorch. The third member of their Squadron. Let's not talk about the depressing vanishing of the fourth. Scorch, as his name implies, likes it hot and fiery. There is nothing he can't make go boom, and this includes the pulses of all ladies."

There was definitely a reaction from each clone as I recited their intros. Very good. People liked words that hit the head of the nail. Still, those men had learnt staring like daggers from their trainer. I am glad that _he_ was not allowed approach and though _he_ had tried he could not stare me to death. His pupils surely were not a danger in that respect then.

"And the lady have the painful task of choosing the most desirable from this elect choice is Ephrine. This courageous young lady comes to us directly from the kartan rig assembly lines. Yes, you heard right. One of the many invaluable workers that keep our galaxy up and running. So, Ephrine, tell us a little more about yourself."

"Well," she was doing the shy act very well indeed, "as said, my name is Ephrine and I work in an armour factory. I am twenty-five years old and in my free time I like to read and dance."

It was really cute how she meshed her fingers. Too bad the boys couldn't see it. But that's kinda the premise of the show. The boys tried to get their heads together but my orderlies apprehended them. I was not sure what they were signalling each other. Couldn't tie their hands to the arm-rests, unfortunately.

"Very nice, indeed. Just what our boys on the front-lines need." They were still exchanging gestures. I hoped it was nothing rude.

"So, Ephrine, let us hear your first question."

She still looked nervous as she read it off the little pink card. "You want to arrange a romantic day for me. How do you go about it?" Ephrine tried to smile into the camera. Good.

My guests always had great questions. I made sure of that. Otherwise this show'd be more boring than a bantha's back. People tended to ask the same crap over and over.

After realising they did not get to discuss their answers in advance, the boys kept to the schedule with Boss making the start.

"I'd get Scorch and Fixer to help, so at least the preparations will be fun."

I waited, but there was nothing else. Now this was a most disappointing answer. Ephrine did not look as if she knew how to interpret it either.

"What period of time does 'day' entail exactly?", Fixer asked.

"No further questions," I told him with a big smile. Rules were rules, these men should know about rules.

He shrugged, which is an impressive movement on a Commando. "Hire a gigolo?" he volunteered then.

Oh my. This show was going down the drain faster than gravity should allow.

"Prepare an area together and watch it go boom after sunset," Scorch added very unhelpfully.

I giae Ephrine a reassuring grin and kept my hands tight around my moderator's cards. It wouldn't help a lick if I tried to throttle one of the candidates. How did the others of that kind ever find a partner?

"Well those answers are very insightful," I proclaimed cheerily. "I wonder what else we will find out about our brave men from the front after the short break!"

"Don't worry about the guys," I patted Ephrine's arm. "I'll have a word with them."

On the other side of the screen the Commandos had actually managed to go into a huddle. They were arguing with low voices. One of them, possibly Fixer, it was so hard to tell when they were not on their seats and you hadn't take the time to actually match names with the colours on their kit, got up when he saw me approach.

"We'd like to change the rules of the show," he said.

"I'm sorry, that is not possible." I considered my standard comforting gesture of putting my hand on his arm but decided against it. I might be missing a hand after that, he looked so – _sharp_. "What is the point you want to argue?"

He shook his head and his colleagues shrugged and split up. Now that had been easy. It was a bit worrisome, but the commercial break was over. "Smile and shine," I told them, "A bright future in which you are not alone awaits you. At least one of you," I added as an afterthought.

"Welcome back to Loved & Found, dear audience. Without any further ado, let us get to know the three admirable men of our very own army. Ephrine, what is your second question?"

"Instead of a romantic dinner you arranged I want to go to a party at HH's. How would you react?" She stared at the screen as if she could see through it. It was a common wish in the show.

Shortly I wondered if any of the Commandos knew what HH's is. After all, they did not get out much and certainly not into posh clubs.

"It's fine, if I can bring Scorch and Fixer," Boss said without thinking.

I might be finding a pattern there and it was not one I liked.

"Go and have fun. I'll eat your half, too and go tweak that gadget I was working on," Fixer replied.

Did anybody tell them that this was _not_ the kind of answer the woman expected? At least it was a little more elaborate than that of Boss. Somehow I doubted, that Scorch would be saving the question with a brilliant reply. He didn't.

"What's 'romantic' entail exactly?", he wanted to know.

"No further questions," I sighed. Was that so hard to understand?

"But that matters," he insisted.

I shook my head, determined to stay adamant.

"Oh well, if she wants, she can go."

I was more than ready to actually throttle any of them by now. Getting Commandos onto the show had probably not been the best of all ideas. I looked at Ephrine and she seemed to share the sentiment.

"Let's have your last question, Ephrine." I just hoped my tone could do anything to cheer her up. "And see what the backbone of our troops have to offer in return." I'd needed to staple the smile to my face if this didn't improve soon.

The pink card was shaking in her hands visibly. Poor girl. Maybe we should have brought normal troops. They were said to be a lot more compliant. And maybe with some prefabricated reply cards to the well-planned questions – now that was an idea to pursue after this show.

"On a shopping tour I see a dress I really want, but it's just too expensive. What do you do?" The image of Ephrine in a lovely dress was just lovely. Naturally, the boys spoilt it immediately.

"Why is it so friggin expensive?", Boss wanted to know.

"No further questions." How often do I have to repeat this? I sighed in exasperation. In reply he shrugged and glanced around as if expecting the answer to emerge from the studio. Didn't. He shrugged again with a worrying little smile.

"Nothing. You'll live." Fixer added a shrug and smile of his own.

I looked around starting to worry that an answer would indeed creep put of somewhere. Of course, it didn't.

"Appropriate it differently. That should be fun." Scorch was outright grinning. It was scary.

"Well," I turned to Ephrine. She had curled up into her seat as far as possible. Poor girl. She was also staring at me in terror. "It's time, my dear." I did my best gentle coaxing.

"Please," she whispered. "I really-" and then she stopped and I realised she was actually looking at something behind me.

Actually, someone behind me. That someone. Again. With his Verpine. Why had he not been held up? Security had seen better days here. A glance at some of them told me that security had also been more conscious then. Should have gotten my smile stapled on. It was definitely dropping now.

It was not as if I got as far as saying something, though.

"I will not let you use my boys for this." His voice was a cold hiss. As is the sound of the Verpine.

Damned, dead again. But who'd have thought he'd go to that length for his Commandos? Like really? That's not in tune with the image he has in public. Well, whatever that said about Señor Vau.

I'll just hitch a ride to that white light again. Maybe this time I have enough in my afterlife time to prepare a nasty surprise for my ex-husband.


	3. Loved & Found III - Mereel

Loved and Found III

"Welcome again, ladies and gentlemen, to another exciting episode of Loved & Found! Yes, I know, I know. I was dead. Again. But my contract runs for another three seasons, so it is not as if I have much of a say in this whole resurrection things. It seems that my viewing figures go through the roof whenever I go down.

Whatever that says about entertainment. But I will not complain, that's in my contract. To create the best combination of viewing figures and me not dying, I have invited a very special guest for this show. Ladies and gentlemen, please let me hear it for Mereel Skirata!"

He young clone waved cheerily into the cameras. I had done my research this time. He's not one of Vau's, he's been around and said to be the most social one of his lot. So this had a chance of actually working out.

He even shook my hand. "Happy to be here, ma'am, happy to be here."

Now that's a first. Maybe he really did have some social skills. And I had not made the mistake of choosing three clones again, oh no. Three ladies would be there to keep the show up to its usual standards. I kept my smile firmly in place as I accompanied Mereel to his seat.

"A lieutenant of our Grand Army, Mereel Skirata is one of the brightest heads enlisted. In his time off, he likes to keep our other forces of order company and fly anything that has controls. His store of stories is said to be endless as well as endlessly entertaining. This leaves only one question? Which of the lovely ladies attending tonight will find out if that is true?"

I turned from Mereel, who seemed happy enough where he was and actually procured a bag of candied nuts from one of his pockets. This might work. This might just work, it was difficult not to get my hopes up as I walked around the screen.

We had chosen three beautiful women. They contrasted beautifully; their hair flaming red, black as night and golden as the sun. You might called it clichéd, but it sold.

"Let me introduce candidate number one, born and raised on Coruscant, a true native of this planet."

The read-head nodded into the correct camera with a big smile. "My name is Isandrine, I am twenty seven and work with traffic control. In my free time I like to draw and cook."

"Candidate number two, born on Naboo and recently relocated to our lovely capital." I gestured the dark haired woman into action.

"My name is Cloud, I am twenty-four and work as a florist. In my spare time I work out and take trips around the planet."

"And last but not least, our wonderful contestant who worked her way up from the lower levels to the bight surface of Coruscant." Now this had sounded a lot less conspicuous written down. I needed a chat with the writer of this show. Oh, that was me.

"Hello, my name is Orisan, and I work as receptionist. I like to go clubbing." She gave the camera a winning smile.

Good girls, very good. I made my way back to Mereel. The nuts had vanished and he lounged rather insolently. "So, now you have hopefully gotten a first impression. What is the first question, you would like to ask them?"

This might be tricky. Mereel had vehemently refused to let anybody see his questions in advance. The bruise over my ribs still hurt somewhat when I breathed to much.

"Okay, ladies." He glanced down at a small white card as if to remind himself of what he wanted to say. Good act he had going on there. Quite the professional. "I like to go fishing with extreme prejudice. Will you join?"

"Well," Isandrine let the word hang for a moment. "I like fish, so that would be a yes."

"I am sure I will enjoy the exercise," Cloud replied.

"Which part of the venture should I join exactly?" Orisan asked but when she saw my exasperated face she went on. "I well, I guess, I'll find the fun part on my own."

I am not sure this reply was better than asking back. At least all girls were still positive that Mereel's activities would somehow be compatible with their own interests. That was more than other recent shows had yielded. "Isn't that wonderful!", I exclaimed. "This is a very good foundation to build the decision on in the end."

"Sure thing." Mereel was actually cleaning his nails with his vibro blade. I hoped he didn't accidentally cut off his hand. The participant insurance on the show had seen better days, too. Most of them before I started to get killed.

"So, another thing to consider." He looked briefly at his cards again. "I'm not the most faithful man of all. What is your attitude to that?

Isandrine was clearly not amused. "I don't think that's a topic I want to discuss in public," she finally said.

"You can try," Cloud replied, grinning mischievously. "If you still can after I am finished with you."

"Not gonna happen on my watch." Orisan shook her head determinedly. "You gotta share the bounty, man."

Well. The word turned into easy three syllables inside my head. At least Mereel seemed untroubled, he was nodding happily and mumbling to himself. I looked around suspiciously. The last time clones had done that in my show, I had ended up dead.

"And with these lovely images we release you into a short break." My smile stayed plastered on my face until I am sure the camera was off. Then I turned to the women. "Please, do remember this is a family-friendly show!"

They looked at each other shrugging. "He gives us questions, we answer," Orisan said. "We're all adults here. And if the kids get it, there's nothing _we'd_ be teaching them anyway."

That seemed to be group consensus. Well, I'd see what I could do on the other side of the screen. Not much as it turned out. Mereel flat out refused any hints as to his last question. At least he did offer me some more nuts he had procured from somewhere. All those pockets had to come handy.

"Remember the age of the audience," I almost begged.

"What? I'm only twelve, so what's the fuss?" He looked genuinely pleased with himself.

I felt genuinely annoyed. Twelve? Who was he trying to kid? This would all end in tears and it had started out so well. With a sigh I fixed my grin again and welcomed the audience back.

"You are about to witness the reaction of these three lovely ladies to our bachelor's last question. And of course the tingling excitement of his final decision! So, Mereel, what is the last thing you want to ask the ladies?"

The clone chewed up something he was eating lazily before deigning to answer. He did not look at the card this time. "So I got brothers, quite a few to be honest." A genuine grin split his face and I could see what women might find in a man like him. "Good looking guys like me, too. And it would not be all out of the possible that one might suggest activities in a suggestive way. What is your reaction?"

So much for the family-friendly show once had. Might as well go ahead, get it slotted to a later place and call it – something really inappropriate. I tried to shoot daggers at Mereel with my eyes, but he didn't even notice.

"I bet you're real close with your brothers," Isandrine began very well. "So I guess you'd know." She shrugged and let the rest of the answer hang in the air.

"If he did, you would never know," said Cloud, letting no uncertain amount of answer hanging in the air as well. Had I been close to the screen, I might just have banged my head against it.

"Stays in the family, don't it?" Orisan just said.

This was it. My career was over. I might survive the show, but I certainly would not survive the following meeting with the producers.

Mereel stood up, grinning hugely and sauntering over to the screen. "Got it," he announced. "I'll take them all."

That was against the rules! I was about to tell him so, when he just pulled down the screen with one had, grinning at the three women. "Hi there!"

To my utter surprise and somewhat horror, the women had no qualms throwing themselves at the young man, looking exceedingly happy despite the amount of female company they had.

"This has been quite entertaining," Mereel said approaching with his arms full. "I did only half expect this, so my gift is still outside."

I stared at him. "Gift?"

"Indeed. I have brought our wonderful host an extraordinary gift," he announced grinning broadly.

Now that was an all-time first. It was very considerate and I was happy right until the gift made its entrance and turned out to be a fully armoured Walon Vau who made his way towards me, his blaster already aimed. "Hello, _cyar'ika_."

And then we were both looking down at my dead body. Again.

"Wouldn't be the same if I didn't, eh?" He prodded me with his boot and there was nothing I could do. Again. Bastard. I really needed to think up something to get back at him.


	4. Loved & Found IV - Delta Squad again

Delta Again

I was certain I got it right this time, had to. I mean, how many attempts at resurrection do you need to realise it totally sucks? The headaches! The gap in memory when they rush your cold body around! People having their paws all over you on account of you being dead. I wondered if I could a lawyer to work on that. But looking at how much fucking good the restraint order had done me, I was not sure it'd be worth the bother.

But I ha dome my research and found a solution that would please the candidates as well as the viewers. Which meant good figures for me and another season on the air. A season that would feature boring people all over the show. Accountants, bus drivers, assembly line workers, maybe a window cleaner or gardener.

That was my plan. That would keep me alive. And it would give me time to get another show to host. Something like earthworms weekly. My kind of excitement exactly.

Delta Squad had been lured under a false mission order. This meant they arrived fully geared up which was only a bit of a problem. Some of the aides now walked around holding on to aching parts because it was quite difficult to take the helmet off a determined commando.

"Don't worry, there's no women involved this time," I assured Boss. That helped a little.

"What then?" He was indeed a master of eloquence.

"I couldn't help but notice you are one short of a full squad," I said carefully. "I thought that maybe you want to have a say in the selection process." His expressionless gaze was unnerving. "You can refuse."

He nodded. "You know we will, right?"

Ah. Ah ha ha ha. Well. This might be a show long running if I hadn't calculated the odds correctly. I congratulated myself for not saying 'we will see' and this keep my person intact and unhurt. After making sure they were all seated, how did they even manage in full rig? Did I really want to know? Anyway, I made my way around the screen.

A completely undistinguishable clone stood there in red fatigues. "Ready to go?" I asked him.

The negligent shrug was very much in keeping with the attitude of the guys on the other side of the screen. They would get along like a house on fire. I'd just have to hope, I'd get out in time.

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to another exciting episode of Loved & Found, your favourite Dating Show! As you might remember, I was sadly unable to find any of the men in Delta Squad a fitting partner. And those of you who know me know, that I cannot let this happen.

"My mission is to assure the happiness of everybody across the galaxy," apart from Walon Vau, but I would not say that name and jinx myself, "so here we are again, with a brand new approach to the issue. On the one side of the screen, please welcome back Delta Squad, namely Boss, Fixer and Scorch, still going strong and keeping the peace and safety for us."

I gave the crew some time to add the canned applause before going on. "And our esteemed, well bachelor is technically correct, but since it is not the aspect we are trying to amend today," I made a tactical pause in the hope this would sink into the minds of stubborn Mandalorians watching the show with extreme prejudice and a loaded Verpine shatter gun. "Our esteemed single, let's call him Sev. I heard that is a common enough name even among Commandos."

The three commandos shuffled on their seats; don't ask me how they managed _that_. Sev looked as if he was unsure whether to throttle me or just shoot me in the leg. Understandably so. Being code named with your actual name can do that to a man. I gave him a cheerful grin and a double thumbs up.

I gave the crew some time to add the canned applause before going on.

"Well, 'Sev' here," I made sure you could hear the quotation marks, "has been part of the elite among our troops before. So he is no stranger to the danger and knows what he is in for. The only question is: will he fit in with Delta? There is only one way to find out!"

Actually the best way would be locking them up in a small room until they had it all sorted, no weapons allowed. But that wouldn't get me viewing figures. This would. "So, Sev, what is your first question?"

"One of your mates gets lost in a wood. What do you do?"

There was an uncanny amount of silence from Delta. It turned into a sudden group discussion in which Delta tried to decided if that meant with or without gear and if a guy who managed to get lost in full gear was worth shit if he couldn't triangulate his position or read that of his team members from the HUD and what kind of wood were we talking about anyway?

"Think Kashyyyk," Sev called from the other side.

Had I mentioned the rules of the show already? How you were not supposed ask questions back and how you were not mean to discuss the topic with the others, certainly not loud enough for the choosing party to hear? I guess I did. Somehow nobody cared about what I said anymore lately.

The discussion among Delta became pretty heated. I approached carefully and offered them one questions back as token of my good will. They took it immediately.

"Traceable or no?"

Did I want to know what went on inside their heads if that was the most pressing question for them? I decided that the answer to that was no and made my way back to Sev.

He did not look happy about the question. "Untraceable," he finally replied.

That only sparked a more ferocious discussion. They were definitely not ready to answer any time soon. I tired to follow the controversy, but it was difficult because Delta seemed to be able to listen to each of its members while talking at the same time. It was confusing and left me with only snatches.

- wanted to but didn't -

- all the fault of those shabla righteous -

- can't be basis for further extrapolation -

- been to Kashyyyk, what do you think -

- what if he really is -

- you shut up if you don't-

- leaves us right where we started and-

- and boom, problem solved -

Now this didn't sound as if they were getting anywhere. Not even if I put the break for ads now and let them talk through it. "It seems we have struck a vein of controversy here," I heard myself say brightly. "What about putting the question aside for now. We can always come back to it if the remaining two questions are not enough to come to a decision."

I shushed the commandos, who were deep in discussion and probably not aware they were on a show any more. The I turned back to Sev with an encouraging smile. "Well, you have a knack for difficult questions," I told him. "Let's hope the next one is easier to solve for the men on the other side."

From the look he gave me, I was suddenly very sure things would not improve, though. "Would you disobey orders to find the lost squad member?" His posture was as challenging as his tone.

Now _that_ got a literal rise out of them. They were talking loudly with each other very much out of line. Sev could hear every word and that was against the rules. I hurried around the screen to intervene.

At least I tried to hurry around the screen. That's rather difficult if you have three quarters of a squad hurrying the other way. It was like being trampled by a herd of banthas. And the moment they caught sight of 'Sev' who was actually really Sev, the small matter of me, my show or anything really was wiped from their minds. The words ruckus came to mind directly followed by fracas, riot and tumult.

They were unstoppable. And then they brought down the house. Unfortunately, they brought it down on top of me. Very literal men, those Commandos. Oh well, that way Señor Vau could at least save himself another entry. Rat, or whatever those Mandalorians said for goodbye.

.

.

.

It was amazing to actually reach the light at the end this time. My former experiences had always been cut short and I had ended up revived and very much unenlightened. Reaching the light was at the same time less and a lot more amazing than I had expected.

Less amazing because it turned out the light was just me being hauled out from under the rubble (hence the darkness). A lot more surprising because it was Walon Vau who was doing the hauling. The man smiled like a knife and it was as reassuring as looking down the business end of one.

"Well, _cyar'ika_, if this is not the perfect bang to go out with." Somehow adding teeth to that smile didn't improve its overall effect. "Nice little pension on some nice out-of-the-way planet. What do you think?"

Apart from the fact that I admired anybody who was still capable of coherent thought in the face of his – face, I didn't think much and nodded automatically.

Not that I had any idea how to finance that. Or, well. "Say," an unsavoury part of my brain had decided to work. I was still wondering if biting my hand would stop my mouth but it was too late. "Seeing how you have ignored all legal groundwork obliging you to stay away and all that. How about I do the same and ignore we've actually been divorced and ask for some alimony to finance my old age with?"

"I didn't know you wanted to cut your retirement that short." A familiar Verpine muzzle appeared between my eyes.

I shrugged. "Call me a traditionalist."

And this is how I got myself – oh shab. I'm sure whatever end you make up for this is going to be a lot more interesting than the truth. But yeah, Walon Vau was involved...


End file.
